Dax Shepard And Kristen Bell Play Not My Job

Aug 3, 2012
Originally published on August 4, 2012 12:36 pm

Real-life Hollywood couple Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are a.) famous b.) adorable c.) funny d.) the stars of Hit and Run, a new movie they made together, and e.) amazingly, all of the above.

We've invited them to play a game called "First thing you're going to need is an adorable collective nickname." Before there was Brangelina, before there was Bennifer, there was "Dickenliz," the most amazing, tabloid fodder celebrity couple of all time: Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Bell and Shepard will answer three questions about a Hollywood pair who knew how to live large.

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And now, the game where we ask really cool people about things that are really lame. Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are A: famous; B: adorable; C: funny; D: a real-life couple; and E: the stars of a new movie they made together called "Hit and Run." Here's hoping they admit to some failures so we feel better about ourselves.


SAGAL: Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell, welcome to WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME.


KRISTEN BELL: Thank you.

SAGAL: It's great to have you both.

DAX SHEPARD: Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Hey, we were talking about this. Both of you have done so much in your careers so far that it was hard for us to guess what you are most known for. So I wanted to see if we could figure that out right off the top. So, Kristen, would it be what? Would it be Veronica Mars? Would it be Sarah Marshall? Would it be what?

BELL: Oh goodness, I think for me it would probably be one of those two.

SAGAL: Right.

SHEPARD: What about in the Venezuelan community, honey? You're big there.


BELL: Oh wow.

SAGAL: The Venezuelans. And Dax, how about you?

SHEPARD: Well, sadly, I think the thing we're both most known for is something that we didn't profit from. It was a YouTube video of Kristen...


SHEPARD: ...getting a sloth for her birthday.


SAGAL: This may have been - this was like the number one YouTube video of all time.

PAULA PELL: I love that video.

SAGAL: So, Kristen, for those who have not been lucky enough to see it, can you describe it?


BELL: I am, in fact, an emotional handicap.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BELL: I have a lot of issues. I really have a love of sloths. I always have.

SAGAL: Now wait a minute, sloths?

BELL: Yes.

SAGAL: Of all things?

BELL: Sloths, question mark, exclamation point.

SAGAL: Sloths?

SHEPARD: I just want to interject that, you know, for most guys this might have been a red flag that...


SHEPARD: ...every night they get into bed and their bride-to-be is watching a video of a sloth laying in the road in Costa Rica. This is nightly, a nightly occurrence.

SAGAL: Yeah. How did you get enamored of sloths?

BELL: I don't know. Because they're so vulnerable.


BELL: They're so very vulnerable. And I think - I don't know. They take their time.


SAGAL: So you really like sloths?

BELL: I do.

SAGAL: All right, so then what happens?

SHEPARD: And we're show business types, so we have access to animal wranglers who bring, you know, animals to movie sets. So I get a hold of one of these guys and find out if I can get a sloth brought to the house for the afternoon for her birthday party.


SAGAL: All right, so you get a sloth.

SHEPARD: Well, there's more to it than that. I mean, I have to amend my homeowner's insurance policy. That's not a joke.


SAGAL: Really?

SHEPARD: Yeah. To have this wild animal in proximity to other partygoers required an umbrella, you know, contingency in the policy.


SHEPARD: So we get all the proper insurance. I tell her to go into the room on her birthday. The surprise has arrived. Take the dogs.

And by the time I get into the room to invite her out to the living room, she's put it together that since I asked her to take the dogs in the bedroom, clearly there's another animal in the house. Oh my god, it must be a sloth. And then she's hyperventilating, crying hysterically by the time I come back with it.


SAGAL: And the world knows this because you videotaped Kristen as she figured this out.

SHEPARD: Well, I had anticipated videotaping her see the sloth in the living room. And I started running the camera when I walked into the bedroom to invite her out into the living room. I didn't expect the show was going to start in the bedroom.


SAGAL: Right.

CHARLIE PIERCE: What kind of sloth was it? Was it the famous three-toed sloth?

BELL: Yeah. No, it was two-toed sloth.

SHEPARD: Which meant we couldn't cuddle it.

BELL: Yeah.

SHEPARD: For the amount that I paid for this thing, I was expecting a little more than cuddling.



SAGAL: So you guys are a real-life Hollywood couple and you went and you made a movie together called "Hit and Run." It's kind of a getaway caper. Dax, you play Charlie Bronson.


SAGAL: Which you're a guy in the witness protection program.

SHEPARD: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: Kristen is the very nice girlfriend. And the challenge is to get her to Los Angeles before the bad guys get you.

SHEPARD: Yes, I am so in love with her, as I am in real life, that I decide to leave the safety of witness protection and take her to LA. And then the second we leave, Bradley Cooper, the bad guy I testified against, he finds out.

Tom Arnold, the US marshal, he starts chasing us. And it is - yes, it is an action comedy. But at the center of all of that is Kristen and I's kind of real life relationship on display for all to see.

SAGAL: Now, Dax, you also wrote and directed the movie.

SHEPARD: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: And so was that weird?

SHEPARD: It was ego orgy.

SAGAL: I can imagine.


SAGAL: But I'm also trying to figure out what is it like trying to direct your own girlfriend as she says lines of affection and love to you that you have written?


SHEPARD: I guess auto erotic comes to mind.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SAGAL: I'm sorry; could we do that again with more genuine worship please?

BELL: Right. I don't believe you.

SAGAL: I don't believe you.

SHEPARD: I just don't feel like you're seeing me on the pedestal I am on.


SAGAL: Also, in the movie, it's funny because the couple, the characters fight...


SAGAL: And they have this very, you know, funny, bizarre way of working through their fights. Is that how you guys work through your fights? Are we seeing your process as a couple?

BELL: We do things similar to that, yeah. We're big into communication.

SHEPARD: Yeah, there's nothing we can't talk out for four hours.


BELL: Yeah. You find a topic, we'll talk it out.

SHEPARD: We'll get comfortable and really hash it out.

SAGAL: That does explain the nine-hour running time, as you guys work through your issues. That's exciting.

BELL: Yeah.


SAGAL: Well, Kristen and Dax, it's a pleasure to talk to you. But we have, in fact, invited you here to play a game we're calling?

CARL KASELL: First thing you're going to need is an adorable collective nickname.

SAGAL: Before there was Brangelina, before there was Bennifer - remember Bennifer - there was Dickenliz.


SAGAL: Dickenliz. No, that was Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, the first and greatest of celebrity couples of the tabloid era.

PIERCE: Dickenliz.

SAGAL: Dickenliz. And before we go any further, do you guys have a collective nickname?

SHEPARD: We gave ourselves one. Honey, you want to hit them with it?

BELL: Cracked.


SAGAL: Love it. Love it. And I'm sure Us magazine is known as being a Cracked addict. They can't get enough of you.


SAGAL: Well, we're going to ask you about Burton and Taylor, Taylor and Burton, the Hollywood pair that knew how to live large. Get two right, of the three questions, you will win a prize for one of our listeners: Carl's voice on their home voicemail. So, Carl, who are Dax and Kristen playing for?

KASELL: They're playing for Derrick Stacy of St. Louis, Missouri.

SAGAL: OK. You ready to do this?

BELL: Let's do it.

SAGAL: Let's do it.

SHEPARD: Assuming that Derrick's not a gun owner that's going to come after me when I screw up, yes, I'm with you.

SAGAL: No problem, no problem. All right, here's your first question. Now, you've got to be totally besotted with each other, as Burton and Taylor were. What did Burton once say about the woman he married twice? A: Quote "She'd drive me crazy, of course, but all I had to do was tune out her voice and check out her rack," unquote?


SAGAL: B: "I'd make a joke about being a Liz-aholic, if I weren't a real alcoholic"?


SAGAL: Or C: "she has a double chin and an overdeveloped chest and she's rather short in the leg," unquote.



BELL: This does not sound healthy.


SHEPARD: I'm going with personally, Sweetie, I think A, but I defer to you.

BELL: No, I trust you. Let's go A.

SAGAL: The one about whenever she started to drive him crazy, he'd just tune out and check out her rack?

BELL: Yeah.


SAGAL: I'm afraid it was C. She had a double chin and overdeveloped chest. Burton said, quote, "This most beautiful woman in the world stuff is absolute nonsense." He said of her.


PELL: What a peach.

SAGAL: He was adorable guy. All right, you have two more chances. The Burtons met when they were both married to other people. They had a tumultuous affair in the public eye. They got divorced. They married each other. They divorced each other and then they got married again.

They decided their second marriage should be more restrained then their first. Where did they do it? A: in a rural village in Botswana? B: Times Square, high noon, Saturday? Or C: in their guest bathroom?

BELL: Oh no. C.

SAGAL: You're going to go for C, in their guest bathroom?

BELL: Yeah.

SAGAL: They were like, oh, let's just...

SHEPARD: I'd love to get married in a guest bathroom.

SAGAL: Really?

SHEPARD: Oh yeah.

SAGAL: Would that be appealing?

SHEPARD: Well, look, if you get winded, you take a seat on the commode.


SHEPARD: You get hot; you can pop in the shower.

BELL: I already know we've gotten it wrong because we're talking so much without telling us the answer. So I'm going to change my answer to B.



SAGAL: Times Square, high noon, Saturday?

BELL: Yeah.

SAGAL: Because they wanted to avoid attention.

BELL: Yes.

SHEPARD: Yeah. Right.


SHEPARD: Sounds great, honey.

FELBER: We're taking more time.

SAGAL: The moment...

BELL: This just in. I like A the best.



SAGAL: She does have some detective skills. You're going to go for A?

BELL: Yeah, I'm going to go for A.

SAGAL: Yeah, it is A, it was a royal village in Botswana.




SAGAL: They were on safari in Botswana. They decided what the hey, let's get married again, and they found a magistrate in a local mud hut village to officiate.

All right, this is the last question. If you get this right you win. Liz and Dick were known for their luxurious lifestyle. They had mansions and he gave her enormous diamonds, as is well known. In fact, once, they did what? A: had pastrami from New York airlifted to them in Rangoon? B: rented an entire yacht just for their dogs? Or C: bought a limousine made of platinum?

SHEPARD: It's actually - I happen to know this one because I was reading about celebrities who have had food flown in for them.

BELL: I was just going to say A.


SAGAL: We agree.

SHEPARD: Mighty good job.

SAGAL: You're going to agree on this?

BELL: Yes.

SAGAL: I like that. I like that how you stand with each other.

SHEPARD: And you're wrong.

SAGAL: Even when you're wrong.


BELL: Oh no.

SAGAL: Yeah, we just made that up, sadly. No, the real answer was that they rented a yacht for their dogs.

BELL: That's absurd.

SAGAL: It's not. What happened was - and you guys are animal lovers.


PIERCE: Said the woman with a sloth at her birthday party.


BELL: Yeah, but I didn't buy him a Rolls Royce.

SAGAL: That's true. What happened was is they went to London, and there's a quarantine for pets. They couldn't bring the pets into London. So for $20,000, Liz Taylor rented a yacht which she moored there right on the river, the Thames, for her dogs to wait out the quarantine.


SHEPARD: Well then that's totally understandable, now that you...


SAGAL: Carl, how did Dax and Kristen do on our quiz?

KASELL: Peter, they needed at least two correct answers to win for Derrick Stacy. They had just one correct answer.

BELL: Can we get extra points for being a good team?


SAGAL: Carl, do they get extra points for being a good team?




SAGAL: Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell are in love and they star in the new movie "Hit and Run," opening on August 22nd. Dax and Kristen, thank you so much for joining us.


BELL: Thank you for having us.


SAGAL: Great to talk to you.

SHEPARD: Thank you.

SAGAL: Take care and good luck with the movie.

BELL: Thanks.

SHEPARD: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye now.

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